Life as an STHP: Depression

It's 3:30 in the afternoon when I started writing this. The house is in complete chaos. Toys everywhere, food in places I didn't think was possible. Also, all three of my children are screaming and crying. Hashtag mama life!

So here it is, here is my life as a bipolar 1 mother with a nonverbal autistic son and 2 girls. This is my beautiful chaos.

What does it mean to be a SAHM to you?

To be a stay-at-home mom/dad takes a lot of strength, perseverance, patience, and coffee. I mean a lot of coffee; at least for me. But not every parent is the same. Also, not every day is the same. It is so exhilarating. You never know what could happen. Kids are surprising.

A SAHM/SAHD to me means a goddess and a warrior. To every day do multiple jobs every. A cook, nurse, teacher, babysitter, chauffeur, playmate, housekeeper, laundry attendant, accountant, and more. Also to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner. All at the same time.

It means even on the hardest days, we persevere to be the best for our children. Not having the option to give up because you will just have to pick up the pieces. It's going to bed knowing that the next day you will have to overcome the yelling and screaming of your children again.

It's dragging yourself out of bed while depressed or going through a mood disorder like mine. It's ordering takes out because you can't cook but, you are still feeding your kids. It's staying awake most of the night thinking you're a failure of the day. For the little things that you should have done better.

It's listening to your partner come home from work saying how hard of a day it was and still having to take care of the children even though you wake up hours before all of them.

It's a thankless job that people say to be grateful for, and you are. It's listening to all familiar phrases. Like"It must be nice sitting on the couch binging tv all day while someone works for you". Then making a silent laugh. When really you are stabbing them with an overcooked french fry in your mind. Extra vinegar and salt on that thing too.

But, you are so happy for the moment. Your children's first words, the first step, and their amazing cuddles that relax your entire body.

It is your beautiful chaos.

What is your average day like?

My day starts at 3-4 in the morning and doesn't end till 9:30-10:00 if I'm lucky. This is what I do with the 3-4 hours waiting for my kids to wake up.

Coffee: I mean hot, dancing on my tastebud coffee.

Meditation/Yoga: Have to be zen and stretch before chasing the minions around for the day.

Crotchet and Podcast: This is my self-care time

Write: This is when I get the most writing done. Love watching the sunrise when doing so.

Then my alarm goes off, and I hear Paul Revere yelling, "the children are coming, the children are coming!" as a warning sound. The chaos begins.

Here is a timeline of my average day:

7:30-9:00: Breakfast

9:00-10:00: Clean up, and kids watch t.v show

10:00-11:00: Outside play, I clean up the yard

12:00-1:30: Nap time for baby, ABC mouse for my daughter therapy for my son, I am answering emails and calls.

2:00-4:30: Outside or inside play, I either mow and do yard work or clean up the house. Mostly laundry and dishes.

4:30-5:30: Calm downtime/ I write or answer emails

6:00-6:30: Dinner

7:00-7:30: Bedtime Routine and bed

7:30-8:00: Clean up time for me

8:00-9:00: Shower, Read, Journal, Plan the next day, Crochet

9:30: In bed lights out.

I didn't add the screaming, yelling, food throwing, escaping son, teething baby, and me hiding in the bathroom eating the last Reeses that I saved. But, it's in there.

How do you beat depression as a SAHM?

This is the hardest part. It makes everything seem like training to run across American. Completely impossible. The crying in the bathroom because the kids want to stop fighting, the strong urge to sleep all day. Being in the same pajamas and clothes for days and not showering because you don't see the point in it not have the energy to.

Depression and stay-at-home parents are terrifying things. I have met so many SAHM that is going through depression that has no help. Let me tell you, those are the strongest women I have ever met.

They walk straight through that hell like they own the place and come out without a scratch on them. Some people still ask, how does a SAHM become so depressed. They get everything handed to them, and they get to do anything they want. I'm going to give you an example of storytime:

I am currently suffering from severe depression, but if you look, you wouldn't tell because I lived a lifetime perfecting and managing ways around it.

Do you want to know why I'm depressed? Because every day I am stuck in the house with my children, every day I don't get to socialize with the people, every day I hear children screaming, and every day I lose more and more of a piece of my identity.

Don't get me wrong, I love watching my children it's the best job I've ever had and the most challenging. It's just really hard.

This past month I have been helping my autistic 6-year-old go through a challenge. He is non-verbal he can't tell me what is wrong. He started headbanging again and hitting. I don't mean just lightly tapping on the wall or floor. I mean, puts holes in the wall and doors, he will hit himself until his face swells, and there is nothing I can do to make him feel better but wrap blankets around him. Because I cannot touch him when he is like that.

Depression is different for every parent, and each time it's dangerous and scary. But, if you are suffering from depression let me tell you is it ok! You will get through this even though you feel like you won't. I want you to cry, and I mean ugly cry. Then wipe your face put on your big girl or boy boots, and kick this depressions ass.

I wrote another article about ways to beat depression called : Depression: When it hits you, hit harder. It has some amazing tips and tricks to beat depression.

Being a stay-at-home parent is hard. But it is the most amazing experience to have. What have I learned over the 6 years of being a SAHM? Is not all SAHM/SAHD are the same? Some have schedules and food preps ect and some are just going with the flow. But we all have the same thing in common even as working parents. That our children are happy and safe.

Thank you for reading my personal blog article for the day. You all are amazing!

Always remember you are strong, you are beautiful, and you are HELLA freaking powerful.