A Bipolar Life

Screaming with excitement and beyond terrified. You what, I love it.

Welcome to my very first post of many to come. I'm so excited to have you on this journey with me.

Let's do this!

I'm currently sitting on my bed freezing as I'm watching my husband play call of duty feeling like complete and utter crap. Like I was hit by a bus, pissed on by a dog, then stepped on by a lego. Why you might ask. Well, it's because I'm on day 2 of my alcohol detox. So much fun it's like Disney land.

People are probably thinking " Why the hell is this woman starting a blog when she is probably ready to shank a piece of grass for looking at her wrong" because I'm at my lowest. Lowest meaning I lost my job, wrecked my marriage, and so much more. But, you know what. I never felt better. After all, I know it only gets better from here because I decided it. I freaking full out command myself to feel better because I deserve it. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the COURAGE to let go of what you can not change.

That's all we can do is to tell ourselves it will be ok until it is. One of the things that we can control in our lives is our thoughts and our actions. I have learned in my 27 years that life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant. Also, the biggest thing is, not to blame the world for your problems. You are in control of your happiness. Life is going to happen whether you overthink it, overstress it, or not. Therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

I have Bipolar 1, one of the most talked-about disorders that people joke about on a daily. The Mayo Clinic defines bipolar disorder as associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs. For me, that means when I'm depressed I am crippled. Unable to eat, sleep, or even move. It could last from days to months in which my house becomes a mess, my marriage is on a thread, and there is so much left undone. When I'm manic it's the worst. I have no fear, no regrets, and pretty much don't give a shit about anything but drugs, sex, and rock and roll. But, it's my favorite episode even though it's the worst.

Having Bipolar has taught me to be compassionate. As of now, I am currently depressed. House is a mess and I'm easily angered. But, that's ok. Like, I put a load of dishes in the dishwasher! That's amazing when you are depressed. I'm practicing self-care because that is what my body needs to get by. All I want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because it's killing me inside. So if you are depressed right now and all you did was hold yourself together. I'm freaking proud of you. Because you are in control of your emotions and actions no matter how hard it gets.

You, and only you, are ultimately responsible for who you become and how happy you are. It's not your spouse, partner, or even parent. It's solely on you. I spent most of my life blaming my father for my unhappiness. The reason why I drank so much and had a traumatic childhood. I learned to tell myself to shut the hell up. Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationship, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make. PERIOD.

I started this blog because I was alone. I was alone when I was diagnosed with bipolar one, lupus, and told I will die if I keep drinking and using. I don't want anyone to feel alone like I did. I want you to know that I am here for you. Even if I am not there I am rooting on you to get better. You are worth having dreams and goals and achieving them. To be better than yesterday, even if it's just throwing away a piece of trash while you are depressed, or going another hour without a drink because that is a leap of a step to making your life better.

Thank you for your time in reading my first post. I will love to hear your stories and thoughts. I will be releasing a weekly post and I'm excited to be on this journey with you. Always remember you are strong, beautiful, and powerful.

Have a groovy day!

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