Writing My Way Sober

"Don't Be Ashamed Of You Story, It Could Inspire Other"

Table Of Contents

• When Did It Go All Wrong

• When Did I Realize I Had A Problem

• How have I been doing since my breakdown?

• Message to You

Hi, my name is...

ugh, I got this

Hi, my name is Rebecca. I am an alcoholic.

Here is my story.

The first time I said that I had a drinking problem was 3 years ago when I lost my gallbladder from drinking 3 bottles of wine a night for 6 months straight. The first time I was told that the alcohol that I depended on to survive was killing me. I was 25 years old with 2 toddlers. I remember laying on that hospital bed as they described detoxing to me. I laughed because I wasn't going to stop drinking.

I didn't know how bad it was going to be when I tried to stop. I have been through detox 6 times for my drinking because of me becoming sicker and sicker.

But today I'm glad after 3 years of off and on. I am 13 days sober as of writing this. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know I can accomplish this not only for my family but for myself.

When did it all go wrong?

I came from a place where drinking was a tool to survive, as breathing is.

At an age where I was barely a teen, I was thrown out of my home. I won't call it home. I'll call it a place that kept me alive. I ended up living couch to couch. Sleeping with men or women for a place to stay. Drinking was my way to survive that life. I was all alone with no support, thought having sex and partying was the life I was meant to have.

I remember it was winter, was sleeping on the bench by the high school I went to. All I had was my backpack that had my life in it and a bottle of whiskey a man I met the night before gave me as a thank you present. I remember me saying out loud, and this is why they made alcohol bursting into tears.

I told myself that it can't get any worse from this. I was wrong...

I ended up meeting a man that changed my life forever. Let's call him Potatoe. Potatoe was 6 years older than me and swept me off my feet. Gave me a place to stay, drinks to keep me drunk, and all the drugs I could ask for without even asking.

What I didn't know was what his attentions were. I was so lost I let this man use my body as a bank card. I let him because he gave the bare minimum of attention. Until all went sideways when I ended up in the hospital. A broken nose, 23 stitches, and whiplash. I was no longer useful to him. Then back on the streets, I went.

That lasted 3-4 years. That long of drinking, using, and sex. I was alone the entire time. I would have helped for maybe a day or two. But, they would get fed up and alone again I was.

You see, I was a pretty damaged child looking back on my life. I looked for love in all the wrong ways because I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what affection was or what it felt like. So I went after it even though I didn't know that's what I was doing. I was waiting to die.

After meeting my husband and getting married then having kids that part of me was still there. The part of me that needed other people's approval and touch to make me feel anything. To have alcohol to numb me from my nightmares and pain because that was the only way I knew how.

It was December 2012 when my husband saved me from myself. He was a stranger to me. It took me 3 years to understand that he wasn't using me for sex or had an agenda. I'm am so grateful that no matter what self-destruction I did he was there. He would always pick me up into his arms so tight. Telling me that it is ok, I am safe, and I am loved.

I was content for a while, well I thought I was drinking every night, but it only was to help me sleep I would tell myself. I didn't drink through my pregnancies, so I didn't think I was an alcoholic. But I knew that I was.

When Did I realize I had a problem?

I realized I had a problem in January 2019, when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and I was about to sign divorce papers with my husband. My drinking ended up so bad that I was heavy drinking daily and not taking care of the kids. I just wanted to drink and have fun, I was miserable.

My husband and I ended up talking it out and staying together since I ended up pregnant, and that was the only reason why. My drinking became such a part of my life that nothing else mattered.

When I stopped drinking after I found out I was pregnant. I went through severe detox. I was in and out of the hospital for a month. It was brutal.

During my pregnancy, I found out that I had lupus. I went blind in my right eye. I wanted to drink so bad but couldn't. I resisted until my daughter was born prematurely and had to stay in the NICU. I became severely depressed and was about to ruin my life and my marriage.

I spent the next 4 months binge drinking every night to the point I would throw up. I started going to the bar every weekend and meeting up with strangers like in old times.

I was told I was extremely manic and I needed to go to the hospital. But I didn't listen I drank more. Until I got to the lowest point in my life.

Now, this part will be a trigger for a lot of people. Skip this part and move to the next if you are sensitive to suicidal ideations.

I was done with life, I went blind in one eye and was told I could lose the other. I was told that I could die like it was another day. I just wanted all the pain to go away. There was only one way I could do it. So I made the worst decision of my life and called up an old friend.

I gave my husband and kids the biggest hug and kisses before I left, I wrote letters out to everyone. I spent hours doing my hair and makeup and finding the perfect outfit. The outfit I used to wear when I went out as a child to take away the pain. Crop top, flared skirt, garter, fishnets, and boots. The makings of the old me.

I hoped in the car of a man I haven't talked to in years. He looked at me once and knew exactly what I wanted. He pulled out the little clear bag and I flushed 7 years down the drain. We ended up going bar hopping until things went south and we went and parked in the middle of the woods. Where I told

him to make it hurt.

I am not going to go into details about what happened. But I ended up with bruised ribs, bruised all over my body, and missing hair. I spent the next week in a bottle, unable to move, unable to think. I thought about ways I would end it all but I couldn't. I had my kids to take care of.

Then my husband found out what happen and I ended up in mental housing. I don't blame him for putting me in there. To be honest, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for that.

While there, I indeed learned that I had a drinking problem and the bipolar wasn't helping. I was sentenced to counseling and a phycologist every week and month and medication that will last a lifetime.

Shortly after I ended up back in the hospital for lupus, I was told the alcohol was triggering a flare-up. That yet again if I don't quit drinking I could die. The next day I went to work and I went completely blind for 4 hours.

It felt like an eternity, I was ready to end it. But, when I finally look in the mirror for the first time in months I said the words. I am an alcoholic, I refuse to harm myself to the point it is affecting my children and husband. I can't live like this anymore.

That's when I knew I was an alcoholic.

How have I been doing since my breakdown?

It has been off and on these past 6 months. But I have been sticking to my appointments and medication to control my bipolar. My drinking has slow down so much to the point I haven't drunk in almost 2 weeks.

I started this blog in hopes to teach what I have learned these past 6 months that has got me to where I am at today. As well as to keep me sober and going.

My marriage is happier than ever and we became friends again. I am playing with the children daily and I'm not looking forward to the day ending.

I am still going through withdraws but the doctors say I'm out of the hard part and ill start to feel better in a couple of weeks.

For the first time in most of my life, I am happy, clear-minded, and sober.

What have I learned from all of this and how am I using it to better myself?

I have learned so much from my mistakes. I learned that there are other ways to deal with pain and anger. That I am not alone in this world.

I learned that only I could help myself and I was the only one standing in my way.

Also, I learned that being sober sucks, but it is the only thing that sucks. What I mean is when I was drinking I had other problems, I was depressed, moody, and made so many bad choices that ruin my life. Now that I am not drinking my life is getting so much better, I have more hours in the day to be with my family and enjoy it. I'm able to follow my dreams to start writing.

What is your reason to stay sober?

My reason to stay sober is for my family and mostly for myself. Because what I learned is when I'm unhealthy, miserable, and self-destructive I not only hurt myself. I hurt my family as well. I'll be damned if I ever put them through that again or myself.

Message to You

It is ok, I know there doesn't seem to be a light shining in the tunnel anymore. That the only thing that helps is drugs, sex, or alcohol. But I promise you it is there. I want you to believe in yourself and love yourself. Go after your goals and dreams.

I used to think I couldn't be where I am at today. I wanted help from no one because I had my addictions. I used to think of them as my only friends and security.

You are probably telling yourself every day that you need it. That makes you feel better and you believe it. Your think your addition is about drugs and alcohol but it's more complicated than that.

Addiction twists your thoughts so that you focus on all the negatives. Leaving you feeling sorry for yourself, or resentful, hateful, and ashamed. These emotions allow you to justify your using, which results in feelings of depression and guilt. You promise yourself you’ll quit and then two hours later you’re out getting high or drunk again. You think you’re weak-willed and a liar, but you’re not.

I know you feel hopeless. You might even believe you’re fated to live out your days sick and miserable. But this does not have to end your life. It does not have to break up your home or scar your children.

There’s no shame in getting well. Please know you are not bad, but you are sick. You probably don’t believe that. You still think it’s you choosing to get drunk, but it’s not you. You lost that choice a long time ago.

I want you to know that you are important, you are worthy, you are loved and you have choices. Give up, give in or give it all you got.

Addiction is highly treatable. Be a warrior. Reach out for help. Choose recovery and your best years are waiting for you with open arms.

I want to thank you all for being here today and reading this post. I'm hoping my story will reach out to someone in need and give them the push to become who they are meant to be.

As always, remember, you are strong, beautiful and HELLA freaking powerful!